“I wonder if you know the impact you have and have had. I will be eternally grateful for your help and support. Anyways, just wanted to remind you of that again.”
I recently received this message, via LinkedIn, from a client whom I acted on behalf of a number of years ago.
I first met Sarah (not her real name) to talk about a possible separation. Sarah was bright, articulate and clearly intelligent. She was a mum of three and had recently given up her well paid job to spend a couple of years at home with her children.
She said something in that first meeting that has stuck with me over the years. She had just completed running a marathon and as she crossed the line, her husband said that he had spent the time she was running thinking about leaving her.
Imagine the euphoria you would feel having just run 26.2 miles – what an achievement – and then your husband says that to you. It was clear to me that her husband wanted to immediately belittle her achievement so that he could feel superior.
As Sarah talked, it was immediately clear to me that she was in an abusive relationship.
However, Sarah didn’t see it like that. Her lived experiences had become normal for her: the disparaging comments about her appearance or behaviour, the shouting and erratic behaviour (love bombing one day and total silence the next), the threats of financial ruin or homelessness if she ever left him.
We spent some time taking about her experiences, and looking at them through the prism of domestic abuse. Sarah did a lot of reading and spent time talking to a domestic abuse charity. She found the courage, somehow, to take the decision to leave her abusive marriage.
“I look back and am terrified that Relate had to take me to a separate room to [him] to tell me they couldn’t help me because they believed it would cause me and my kids potential physical risk and that they were referring me to social services…I was / am an intelligent (ish) person and ended up pleading with Relate that it wasn’t how it seemed and that I needed to understand what I needed to do to make HIM feel secure and happy.”
This is another extract from one of Sarah’s messages, which I am sharing with her permission.
I advised Sarah throughout her separation and the court proceedings which were necessary in order to protect her, her children and her financial position. At every turn, the court, Cafcass and the police listened to what Sarah said and, having been granted a protective injunction (which prevented her husband from threatening or harassing her), she was able to start moving forward and re-building her life.
“It scares me because it could happen to anyone. It terrifies me that people aren’t educated on it and that it is a taboo subject still.”
Domestic abuse is horrendous. It is all too common. It can affect anyone, of any gender or age. It is all pervasive. It affects all aspects of life and is exhausting and frightening.
Domestic abuse can be financial in nature, it can be emotional, physical or sexual or it can be all of those things.
However, there are measures that can be put in place to keep you safe and to protect you, like the protective order that Sarah was granted.
If you are affected by domestic abuse, please get in touch with one of the charities listed below.
Jo Scott is a senior associate in Sintons’ family law team. She specialises in resolving issues that arise from the breakdown of all types of relationship, including divorce, separation agreements, dissolution of civil partnerships and issues that arise when a cohabiting relationship breaks down.
She is a trained and practising Resolution Together Specialist and a collaborative lawyer and is passionate about trying to resolve family disputes at an early stage without recourse to litigation. Read more about Jo here.
Sources of support for people experiencing domestic abuse
Learn more about what constitutes domestic abuse here
